#1 Sebastian Engström - My Story

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A life filled with manic focus on performance: from college football, strength coaching, to cybersecurity sales. Always zeroing in on outworking everyone. Combined with a decade and half of self help work, bio-hacking, and heavy weights. Sebastian found an edge. Money, titles and success came quick, but the ego came with…

Death brought realizations… his mentor committed suicide. A family member died. This is what it took for him to snap out of a deranged reality, that his performance was everything, even more important than his wife (Sofia) and daughter (Athena), hence Safina.

Stillness, vulnerability and community brought him back. Integrity set him straight. Honor aligned him to live for something greater than himself and to give back.



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Transcript

[00:00:00]Welcome to the high performance podcast. I am your host, Sebastian Engström. And we will tune into my story today. The very first episode. Incredible to be at this stage. We'll jump into the highest, the lows in the story. So you were never told about a high performance and start off with mine.
And then we'll dive deeper into professional athletes. Professionals into work place. As well as. Outliers here in society who are doing something different. Who are change makers? So thank you for joining me on this trip. We will discuss some rather unexpected topics. Not just the bright side and the light side of high-performance, but also the dark side and everything that goes into it.
And I ask a favor. I know it's the first episode. But please scroll down and give us five stars. By doing so you will help [00:01:00] us get visibility so we can help more people. That is the whole reason my I started his podcast is to spread a message. That is very helpful for people who feel like they are lost. And don't know who they are without their performance See if we can please scroll down click five stars maybe even leave a short review would mean the world. Thank you.
That's high performers. We're so high, strong.
Can We put such immense effort into getting things done. And with that we never rested. We never stopped. Never sits still. That puts a massive load on the nervous system. And that's why we do this. We forget. What matters in life? This is to bring it back to your heart.
To love. To forgiveness. To share that love and light. I forgiveness someone else. I do this [00:02:00] every hour of the weekday. To reset myself. To go and start fresh. In a new state. To fully come. From the right place.
And I helped this will impact you in the same way. As it has for me. So we'll start with. One hand on our heart. One hand on her stomach.
We're going to breathe. For 10 times. 10 cents out. I'm going to take roughly three minutes and 30 seconds. There was a breach in the first slide times. You're going to say, I love you and your name. Three seconds in three seconds out. And the last five, I forgive you. Your name. Quietly. I say, close your eyes.
I'm going to send one person. I'm in light. I'm going to start here. Three. Two one. In an, I love you. Your name.
Oh,
[00:03:00] And.
And.
And.

Uh,
And.

Uh,
And.

Um,
No, I forgive you. And your name three times in.
Um,
And.
Oh,
[00:04:00] And.
And.

Uh,
And.
Um, Ah,
You're going to imagine one person now.
This person is going to have the biggest smile on their face.
So much love it's going to be radiating from them. As they're having the best day. When their life. Anything in their past. It's in the past. Anything in this future?
They're right here. I right now.
The biggest [00:05:00] smile. It's on their face. Because they loved themselves. If we give him themselves.
And they're one. At this moment. What we did to begin with there was to connect, wants to connect with ourselves, something greater than ourselves and to send someone else love, send somewhere else. Like too many times, we get caught up in our own problems, our own needs, and that makes us unhappy focus too much on ourselves. And I sure as hell have done that in my life.
And the more I've given, the more I've been generous, the more I've helped people, the happier yet. And that is the reason for this podcast to Mr. Sharp is to help this to inspire is to bring other people up and the shortfalls, the trips, [00:06:00] the tribulations would have been through for that to help other people.
So I'm incredibly grateful to have you here. Thank you for tuning in and, uh, let's begin. It all began in the rather dramatic way we're really sparked me to do and make a change. Um, unfortunately it has to go that far sometimes for things to turn or for you to be motivated, to make a change. So it was for me, he, a family member died.
My mentor committed suicide. And, uh, that is the reason why I'm on this trajectory and fully have been a springboard and then immersed myself into a unknown endeavor. So. I will tell you more about my backstory and my history [00:07:00] later on. And I'll start with, uh, the deep core of why we are here today. And, uh, it starts with a young boy coming and growing up in Sweden, predominantly on an Island called Gotland.
Always be different. And long story short that brought me over here to the United States. I get immersed in the African-American culture, rap, hip hop, uh, and expression of artistic. Um, let me say endeavors, but mainly the rawness and basketball predominantly in Pascagoula brought me into it because I felt like, wow.
I can feel my feelings. I can truly fully be myself and not give a damn and growing up in a society that praised stay in the middle B [00:08:00] log them, as we say in Swedish is something I despised. I can't stand it. I don't want to be in the middle. I don't want to be just about right. I want to be completely myself and I want to show and share the gifts and the talents that I have and fully immerse myself into whatever I'm passionate about.
And that led me here to United States, 12 years now, going strong in California and Minnesota, Missouri, Oklahoma. I've also been places where I've lived and, um, The path of truly and fully just expressing who I am. I found that through sports, I found who I was in completely exerting myself, completely immersing myself, and I had nothing left to give the satisfaction of that.
It's nothing like I've ever experienced before. And the multiple States of [00:09:00] one can say, consciousness of. Performance one can reach within one game or within one lift is all the emotions. All the experiences that you can have in a single year, strength became my passion as. It's a constant truth. 300 pounds on a barbell is always 300 pounds.
So I started lifting at 15 that in combination with sports, took me to the United States and, uh, I asked her, he has a deep root in and core wound. You can say why I was so driven to just getting after it was deep insecurity. I'd never knew who I fully was. Uh, and I was always different, never wondering to fit in.
And I was always never feeling I was [00:10:00] good enough. The deep cliche wounding of. It's my fault that my parents split apart. My, my parents split apart that I was the root of them being so angry and not being able to stay together. And, uh, as my mother got custody, I believe that my father, we were not good enough for him.
Um, he chose work over us. We moved back from Stockholm living in, at that point, I grew up in Stockholm and then moved the Gartland to Ireland. And then, um, he stayed in Stockholm and it was this deep wounding. And I realized now, and in later ages that, that everything that I've ever done is to prove to him that I'm good enough and worthy of enough of his love.
And we're going to be tackling these deep rooted woundings, as opposed to what drives us, the [00:11:00] psychology behind it, the mindset fully immersing ourselves into why do we function? Like we do? What is it that drives us? Because if we'd go about life, Not having a clue why we get angry, why we get sad, why we get motivated, why we get happy, then we're a slave to whatever is driving us and I'd rather be aware of it.
And this is bringing awareness to it and, uh, is to also to heal aspects of you so you can perform even better and at a higher level. And my father has been a big reason why I've. I'm here in the United States and why have achieved what I've achieved, done the things that I've done and push myself through the very edge.
And also part of the reasons that it has led me to run myself into ground health wise, uh, both mentally and physically, spiritually, and, [00:12:00] um, learn so much from it for better and for worse. I wouldn't have it any other way. Because at the end of the day, it's been a blessing and it's been a true gift, but if wouldn't have been aware of it, it could have taken a very negative turn, a very dark, dark turn.
Um, and for a lot of people who don't look at this, it leads to radical numbing, looking away, shying away at what is difficult, what is uncomfortable. Everything from substance abuse to regular ordinary things that we don't even think is an addiction. Like technology, like our phone, like working out like eating, it's just the relationship that you have with whatever you're going through.
That is what are we going to be? We talking about. So, if we go [00:13:00] back to the story, my father always tried to prove to him still. It's a deep, deep thing that I utilized and I've turned it into a superpower of mine. It's my greatest hurt, but it's also my greatest superpower. I'll say it again. It's my greatest hurt.
There's also my greatest superpower. And that I'm incredibly grateful for today that I've experienced this. And if you look at some of the highest performers out there, all of them have some sort of difficulty challenge that they've faced in their life. None of their childhoods, none of anything that they'd gone through, it's been some sort of a difficult in their life that made them rise above that have made them and challenged them mentally, physically, spiritually in so many different levels that the have risen above the occasion.
And became stronger for it. [00:14:00] And that's amazing, but what happens if you don't look after what is truly has caused that hurt when it's truly has caused that trauma in the body? That is when the challenge comes in. And that is what we will be addressing is bringing that to the light, to the surface. As to stop the people who don't feel like they have nothing to live for anymore.
Once they stopped her career, once they fail, once they do something that is ordinary or out of the ordinary as a high performer, and they don't know what else to live for, whether that be an Olympian that just have made it sort of Olympics. And now they are depressed because they don't understand what else is there to live for.
Once the Olympics is over. Michael Phelps said roughly 80% of all the, all the Olympians experienced some sort of a depression Malco, Michael Phelps, who is the most decorated Olympian by far almost committed suicide. Let that sink [00:15:00] in. We praise all these people. Who have the golden medals who have the money who have everything that we ever thought we wanted, that we strive for the body, the money, the house, the cars, the significant other, the children.
That doesn't mean that they're happy. It's in here. It's in you.
You are the only one that can make yourself happy. Regardless of your circumstances, regardless of what you have. It doesn't matter what you have around you, your internal state, your attitude, your character is all that matters, period, nothing else.
And this is to dive deep and to fully, fully embrace that. And [00:16:00] to find the tips, the tricks and everything that goes into it to make you aware, to make you physically, mentally and spiritually aware and fit. So not only you can perform it so you can give it back to others so you can elevate others. So you can be a change maker in this world.
You can make other people rise above whatever they have going so they can inspire others. Is the expression leaders create leaders. That's what, we're all about.
What happened when I went to the United States is I was told I would not be able to play football for you. You starting to play football at 18 years old, American football. Yeah. Not your soccer, football, and. I had a natural talent for, of course I kicked the ball. That also was a receiver. I was a coroner [00:17:00] ended up playing division two football, long story short.
I did not make it in the first college. And I was promised to play and an NIH independent collegiate league league went against the odds. I was told by everyone around the, Hey, she gave it a try. That's okay, son, you can move on to something else. You're never going to be a professional. I'm like, no, that fueled my fire even greater.
Went to play university of central Oklahoma, D two, and decided as a high achiever. Okay. After have gone into two days. Well, not two days for string training. All the coaches get fired. They brought in a whole new coaching staff and they completely wanting to run us through the ground because they thought we were mentally weak.
I don't have a [00:18:00] medium average button. It's go hard or go home all in for me. If I do it, I do it. Right. And when we would run every morning at six o'clock, we hit the gym. I did not hold back. I wasn't going to win. I was going to get better every single day, every single day that worked for some time. Yeah.
It's fricking rewarding as hell. But after having done that for so many years, I have not taken care of my body properly. You haven't listened to it because I'm like F that my mind, my spirit is stronger than my body. My body will adapt. Well, if your body is broken, if it keeps breaking because you're pushing it so hard.
And at one point you need to settle. You need to, the smart, you need to use your head. You need a strategize. [00:19:00] It taken me many trials and tribulations to get to where I am today because I was so fully bought into the message of you need to outwork everyone else around you. Not saying that well, if you think you're working hard, there's always someone else out there working harder than you get after it.
I watched so many motivational videos, so many motivational speakers, podcasts, read books, mindset, mentality, inspirational stories. Oh, I have I've been fired. I never had, but at damn short work harder. Than I ever could have imagined, and it felt amazing, but my body was breaking down. I, and so many others started having post-traumatic stress because of the stress that we put on our bodies.
And this guy was a hardcore fullback, [00:20:00] really, really, I mean, massive guy, the head coach, uh, we wake up in stress in the middle of the night. I found myself waking up in a shower at 2:00 AM. I was sleep walking in the shower, thinking I was late at 2:00 AM and I realize, what the fuck am I doing? Excuse my language
then came the nosebleeds. And then I came every single day, every morning. I didn't know spleen. And the same time I was trying to finish college in three years and I was working in the same time. And then at 3.7 GPA, there's no off button go hard on all fronts being in a relationship in a different country, doing it on your own.
Yeah, for sure. I got it.
So I quit football. [00:21:00] Because I realized the hard truth that was not going to be a professional athlete. Um, if I was not going to do that and I was not going to graduate in three years. So that was that I coached soccer for the rest of my college. Bachelors went on to strength coaching after that, moved to California from Oklahoma.
And. I decided, okay, let me open up across the gym. Strength has always been my passion. Let me, uh, let me put this to work. I had a degree in leadership, organizational leadership decided, okay, well now let's, uh, get a master's in human performance biology, uh, kinesiology to be more specific decided it was not for me, did research on human, the human brain.
Uh, Philosophy within sports and, uh, performance enhancing drugs, [00:22:00] sir. And was incredibly interesting realized, okay. I want to take the business degree and went for a master's in organizational leadership. The masters in business did that went into cybersecurity and why? Wow. That's a pivot going from strength, doing for high performance to hide bits to cybersecurity while I was in Silicon Valley.
And, um, I thought, okay, well, why not join? It technology company while I'm here. Why not try it out? At that point? I had met my wife who is, Hey, fricking, uh, gorgeous bad-ass and just, uh, she was a strength coach too at that point. And, uh, was all into biohacking. Anything to enhance your performance on all levels, mental, physical, spiritual, and, uh, she introduced me to.
Everything from
[00:23:00] Bulletproof two, um, supplementation of different sources and different natures, uh, weren't pure organic, clean eating grass, fed beef, everything pasture raised. And, uh, that went from being a hard gainer, went from being a, um, eating anything and everything in sight. Just to pack on the pounds and to become as strong as possible while doing it in a healthy way.
And that shifted my trajectory of how I wanted to go about my life. Fast forward three years at what came to the, the most reputable cyber security out there. And, uh, It was an incredible experience. It was an amazing experience with the passion, with the dedication of people who were there. [00:24:00] They were truly doing it to change how we view cyber security.
We stop breaches. I love that slogan. It was like being a modern firefighter and a firefighter was what I was at one point was going to be, it was helping people. And I'm like, yes, let's do this. I had a tremendous mentor, many people even know of the name would question. Okay, well, why would you do that?
Why would you even take a call with you? This guy would have inspirational quotes, characters, shapes, everything, defect, difficult. She difficulty shapes your character. Anything will be that is difficult. Will make you stronger. Let's go. Anything that is not ready yet. That is 80% ready. Release it fast.
It's already too late Silicon Valley style, because if you wait till 90, if you leave, wait 200, even 80% depends on who you ask [00:25:00] your competition already beat you. It's the saying of, do you need a launch and build the plane as it's in the air? To keep it flying because if you built a plane it's already too late, incredibly what we were able to achieve experience.
And then they grew rapidly. The company changed and a lot of people started joining the bandwagon, became a rocket ship and Eagle started setting in as well as within myself. It's all about it. Became all about titles, fame. Being recognized companies recognized every single day in the media, on the news everywhere.
And
at that point, my daughter was born and me being a high-performer. I challenged my identity. Big [00:26:00] time.
I. Was waking up at four 30 in the morning, I was taking a cold shower still in Bulletproof coffee. And then I was racing down on my bike to get to train rain. Doesn't matter, son doesn't matter. I was there. I was doing it and doing affirmations on the train. Visualizations get to the office first person ever in the building every single morning, there are five 40 do journaling.
Visualize the day and get after it, and then listening to podcasts on the way there as well as I was spiking reading on the way back on a train, listening to podcasts as I was working out. So I was averaging probably two to three podcasts a day. So I was reading a book, no TV, [00:27:00] all incredibly incredibly dialed into what is going to increase my performance.
How can I be a change maker in this world? It's all about how can I, how can I, how can I, and then my child was born, our child. Yeah. I was exhausted. Seatbelt probation came in, numbers, started dropping. I was not one of the top achievers anymore because I felt like I didn't have the energy. And then on top of this before I was only sleeping six hours.
I can't do that. I know there are a lot of high-performers and I listen to these people all while I sleep for, I sleep five hours. There's this saying? From 50 cent, he was asked when he was doing a movie, he was recording an album and doing all this other stuff. When you sleep saying I don't, I don't sleep.
I don't have time for sleep. That's an [00:28:00] idiotic thing. I'll tell you that if you want to crash and burn. Fricking sleep if you don't want to crash and burn. Cause that's what happened to me, fell asleep, standing up at one point, but it became such a significant part of how dark things came and became Emma point.
I didn't know who it was. My all-day love that I was used to, uh, getting from my wife was now directed towards my daughter and, uh, this, these dark thoughts that I'd never experienced before started coming up. And please know, would never, ever, ever act on anything like this. And this is to bring light to that.
Everyone has dark thoughts and everything has everyone has things that they suppress that they do not shows choose to share with this world. I would never share this hell. No, no. But this is where it got to me because I was such [00:29:00] in such a deprived state. What I learned later was that ego is trying to shape and build a reality and escape if it becomes too difficult, because I had no freaking clue what this came from.
I was always used to being the kindest, nicest person. But at that point, every time I was cooking, this obsession became with when I had a knife that I would use it on myself to end things. Cause I was in suffering. I was in pain. We did crying in arms with our daughter. Like I did not know how to deal with this new reality.
And it was not like I wanted to do it. It was thoughts. Then it became for my wife. Then it became from my daughter
and it was when I was in a mastermind and a sharing circle happened where everyone was asked to please share. Please write down 10 things that you think are unforgivable in [00:30:00] your life.
And every once are writing it down, probably 50 people in our room. And then we were asked, okay, now pick the one that you're think is like, no one would ever forgive you for this. And then they say, now you're going to share it.
And as you can imagine, the energy in that room,
it became something I've never experienced before the nervousness, the fear, the tension, but then the first person started shortly after and almost every person had emotional release. They cried. But as they said it, we all, as a group said, you are forgiven.
[00:31:00] And that's the biggest thing. We all hold these things inside of us. We're so ashamed of, and that we think that we're alone. You're not, we're not.
We'll have more compassion and more love than you ever expect them to
things that people shared was everything from eating disorders to not being there for their family, to almost committing suicide. One gentleman said that he
S-Class. Smile ADI. And, uh, he got in such a difficult timing in his life, in a financial industry where he was his performance, all measured on finances and his performance. They're not [00:32:00] signing up clients that he said, I'm going to take my own life. He ran through two red lights in LA, hoping that he would hit someone or someone to hit him so he can just die.
Because he didn't know what to do with himself. And there were many stories that were shared of that caliber. They came to me and I can't even remember what I shared at the first.
And then we wrapped it up and then the biggest person in the room. Almost a 300 pound, almost pure muscle gentlemen said started. He broke down, started bawling and crying thing. I lied
then in the special forces in Canada and said that he murdered [00:33:00] a family while it wasn't, he was on a mission and he just, he was useful in following his orders. But he can never forgive himself for doing it toll that Margaret occurred of falling orders, but it was such a deep rooted shame in his body and his being.
And we all forgave him.
Then the next biggest man in the room spoke up, started crying and bawling him as well. Share that he thought about committed suicide. Once his son was born and he couldn't understand it. And then it came, I realized, well, it's the same courage begets courage. Once you see one person do it, it gives you the permission to do it.
[00:34:00] And something came up with me that I've suppressed that I had never intended. To even look at, cause I thought that was a hindrance to who I was to my performance, to even being seen as a lunatic too,
to be seen as crazy. And I felt like, okay, it's time to share. I've never cried that much. That intensely in my entire life.
I had people holding me all around me and
the most important, significant was the mother who was sitting right next to me, because what I thought was unforgivable. So many women came up to me and share that if that is the worst thing that you ever thought, that's nothing. And to some of you, it might seem monstrous.
[00:35:00] That's just a shed light on that. We are, we all go through things that we all experience things and think about things.
Please share. Please seek out help. There are people out there who are, and will be there for you. And, um, I'm so grateful that I finally did.
And, um,
I realized when going through this. And yeah, I was so wrapped in my number, wrapped up in my numbers, could go back to the story back to the company. And I was going through all these challenges. What I did was with so many other men do, and what I saw my father do too, is, well, how can I be a better provider?
Cause I didn't know how to beat it for my daughter. I didn't know how to beat it for my wife. So I worked even [00:36:00] more on the second week after my daughter was born, I started working. And anyone who's lives in a Nordic country, Northern Europe, where I'm from, where you get five, six months of maternity leave.
I wouldn't need it at for sure, but I kept on going and, um, that caused a lot of trauma and stress. All around, had no clue how to integrate it. No clue who to be in this new world. And a family was not necessarily there. And I didn't ask for help at all. Um, mentality of, I can do everything my own, my own. I am so strong and I know there's so many out there who are on the very bleeding edge of whatever you do that you feel and think the same.
I can handle this shit. No, I don't ask for help. That's a weakness. [00:37:00] And it's a positive thing that yeah, you can, you can muster up the strength to go through anything, to run through walls, but eventually it's going to catch up with you. One of the most important things is to have support is to have family around you.
And I learned this the hard way. And I'm so incredibly lucky and, and thankful to have met my wife and her family here who know like well would have been at this point, if not, I'm saying that as
one of my close friends who I worked with at this company, he was one of the top. He was the top performer. He was by far the best sales person in the entire company and, um, at the office at least. And he, we had a leaderboard who's at the bottom of it. Um, [00:38:00] one of, one of the bottom spots and he kept on losing deal after deal.
And he couldn't, he didn't get it. No one got it. No one understood why. And I was on a walk with him one day. He just broke down. He was bawling in tears and saying, I have a gun in my drawer. Now I have to convince myself every day not to use it.
What's the reason to live anymore.
And this was due to his performance. He lost his identity of being a top performer, top achiever. He's not alone.
I realized what achievement, ego money, titles, and pink can do to people. And I decided, okay, I needed to make a shift in my life. The main thing that caused this [00:39:00] was what I said. A family member died in the very beginning. Our cat got in and killed and the sign as a family member. And when I say that, It shook me so deep in my core, I fell to my knees literally, and I was mourning him like I'm mourn the loss of a son because of the immensity of the pain that it brought was not just that I lost.
Someone very close to me, but that could have been anyone in my family, but the state I was in is then nothing mattered else than my performance and what I could achieve, my money, my title, my life, my performance.
And I realized I need to make a change. This can't go on any longer. One point I realized I was okay. In my mind. I was like, if it doesn't work out with [00:40:00] my family, when my wife, I have my job,
I'm only, and you're only a number to your job. And I'll tell you that too, whatever you do, you're just a number to your family. You so much more. So whoever you are out there listening.
Whatever you perform, uh,
think about what really matters. And, you know, sometimes there's stillness that needs to come up, that you need to engage them. But, you know, and I ignore that voice for far too long.
I went on a path, a lot of silence slowing down my life significantly. And you'll hear that from [00:41:00] Michael Phelps too, homeless took his own life simplicity and slowing down is what I turned to to, without knowing of his story. Before this had become addicted to my job had become addicted to my performance.
I didn't know who I was without. It
a lot of tears. And a lot of introspection later, I switched jobs
to a much slower paced job. And I was incredibly challenging because I don't like to take things slow. I like to go 120 miles per hour,
but in that you forget to smell the flowers. [00:42:00] You forget to enjoy life. You forget to have fun because you become so numb to everything and everyone else around you because of the numbers have gotten you dumb.
Dom in the sense of delusional, twisted, immersed in fame, trying to chase and they can name
for yourself.
I met my mentor in Austin a few months before I left the company. And I was so grateful for everything they had done for me. He had opened up an office. He Rose the ranks. He was incredible at what he did very much like myself, type, a very structured, very organized, very strategic [00:43:00] meditating. Bio-hacker all about just achieving the highest performance at all times.
And he got a dream opening and opened up an office, became a director and, uh, He didn't do as well as expected. And after a year I just, I asked them, Hey, how are you doing? Like, how are things going? Like I know it's been a bit challenging and he had the wisest things, this thing, like difficulties shapes, character.
He always had incredible things to say about adversity and how to carry on and how to look and find light in the dark. I'm like, wow. You fricking incredible. I thanked them when I left the company. So very grateful for everything that has ever done. And shortly after, uh, I heard that [00:44:00] he was having some trouble mental health trouble.
Uh, he was asked to go on a sabbatical shortly after I heard he committed suicide.
Both him and the gentleman who said have a gun in my drawer. I have to convince myself everyday not to use it. Neither of them had family beside them. Both of them were out on their own adventure, doing it on their own. Thinking they're so strong, they can conquer the world more. So we usually do when we're young, both of them were about 30.
So know your values. Think [00:45:00] about your values, explore your values, explore what really matters. No, that you are not your numbers. You're not your performance. You're not what you do. You're not what other people people think you are, or you're perceived to be. You are you
and only, you know, you smile.
Speaking of when it feels like
to take a breath, then just be you to feel your heartbeat, to feel like what it feels like to breathe, what it feels like to see what it feels like to hear, what it feels like to feel.
[00:46:00] What it feels like just to be you because you've been given a gift and you have nothing to prove.
And there's so many people out there in this world that would give anything to be in a position you are right now,
people are on their death bed. People who have cancer.
People are in such immense pain. That they're just the wish that their life with them, but it's still, they keep going.
You haven't made you're in a very good position. You have your home. Have your senses. You're alive.
[00:47:00] Just take some time,
be in this basking this, see what it feels like. You're freaking alive. You're right here. You're right now. Know what else you don't need to be anywhere else.
Everything that you've done. It's all been here to lead you to this moment right here right now. And just trust people learned you want to change, you can change. It's all to you. So what within you always was will always be nothing else matters
[00:48:00] and freaking smile and laugh. It's life is good. I have to remind myself, Oh, this as well.
So tend to take everything so serious. I tend to not smile. I tend to not laugh. Biggest thing is I couldn't even feel my emotions for the longest time because I saw it as a weakness. I suppressed them. I pushed him down. I thought it was nuisance distractions.
It's taken me two years and I still work on it just to feel my feelings actually fricking feel something. And especially for men out there fucking feel [00:49:00] your feelings. It's okay. It's uncomfortable at times. You want to know what real strength is about. Become involved, become vulnerable
except the feet fail. What will you then? Who are you then? Who are you when it's all taken away? That is the greatest challenge. Who are you? If you don't have your friends, your family, anything besides, besides from your material, things, your profession, what you do, who are you then?
Once, you know that then you find true strength regardless of what you do, because once you know yourself so well and what you stand for, [00:50:00] then no one else can sway you. You become unaffected by events, people as circumstances.
That is the true, real measure of strength when you choose your reality, regardless of where you go through.
And that has been my practice ever since the awakening that was caused by death.
And I wish that this will not happen to you happen for me, not to me, excuse me.
And I'm grateful that I get to experience this and be here today to share with you this [00:51:00] message
since then I've slowed down. I left my job here about seven months ago, because I knew I was not doing it for myself. It's an incredibly high paying job, made more money than I ever expected to do. That was selling my soul. I was doing it for my father. I was doing it proof to prove to him that I'm good enough.
And now.
I'm doing what I want to do. I'm giving back.
And that took a lot, lot of help, a lot of support and thank you to anyone and everyone who has been part of my life. Thank you. You're part of this. You are part of [00:52:00] this podcast and what I'm saying, you are part of what I'm saying. Okay, happy. Waldock says when you score goals, start pointing fingers, start pointing fingers because you never did it alone.
You never in this alone, that was one of the biggest things is let's do this freaking together. And that's why I'm focusing on strength, strength, programs within and without. And it's so much more. Has to collectively come together is to unite together is to bring awareness, to perform as addiction at the forge strongest version of yourself.
The world's needs you out there to make a change big or small. And the biggest thing is knowing who you are [00:53:00] and the simple act. Nowadays, it doesn't have to be granted yells. It can simply just be you being you
and pretending to be someone else start small,

I appreciate you tuning in. And if you want to follow us online on social Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. We will leave the information in the show notes. And expect to weekly releases now going forward. And again, as a reminder, if you didn't do please just take 10 seconds to scroll down.
Push to five stars. And you'll do the good deed of the day. It'll help us reach more people. And the message is helpful. I hope you agree with me. And it's to do good in this world. So I appreciate you tuning in again. And [00:54:00] one last note, anyone who has gone through any dark thoughts, any dark nights of the soul.
I hear you. I feel you. You can reach out to me. If anything, but know that there is help. And regarding my journey. Again, I never, ever. We'll act on the thoughts that came up. I just want to make that clear. To add a side note. I spoke to the gentleman who said that he considered committing suicide or he thought it thoughts came up of that.
When his son was born. And. Aye. Talk to him afterwards. Like why do you think this came up for you and for, I. And he said it was this simple construct of the ego. It became such a challenging and environment that the ego didn't know how to exist. And what it does is think of it like a little child is I want it this way. I want it that way. And.
It was too painful to be in existence. Even [00:55:00] ending itself is a better solution than staying with the pain. As crazy as that might sound. It resonates with me. I Want to leave you with that tidbit that. You are not your thoughts. It was so much more than that. So be aware of that.
Sending you much love. And until next time.